Following on from the sensational news that the Royal Channel is now in existence on youtube, I would like to remind everyone that the Queen is not as hi-tech as this news would suggest. Instead of hosting a video conference with George Bush, she frustrated herself by having to meet the buffoon in person earlier this year. A blundering politician and an unimpressed monarch makes for golden youtube viewing. Enjoy

10. Your people are always moaning!

(OK, so you should have stayed indoors)

“Oh, it’s raining”, “Oh, now its way too hot”, make up your damn mind’s will you? Its summer, it’s always unpredictable, how long have you lived in this country for? A scorching hot day and it’s all too much for you. We wait for 350 odd days of the year and the one day we do get YOU stay indoors COMPLAINING of the heat, well it sucks to be you indeed!

9. People who buy The Sun

I have nothing against people who buy The Sun. However, those that digest its news and regurgitate it as the most reliable source known to man are indeed those that are particularly grating upon the psyche. The Sun makes 90% of its stories up, but wait, come to think of it, I’ve just made up a bit of a Sun statistic right there.

8. Roundabouts

(Just another day in driver’s paradise!)

What are we but a nation of circum-pathetic people? Can we not grasp the concept of giving way at T-Junctions? Why are there so many roundabouts on our roads? Does our transport board really believe that we enjoy the motion of swaying around all too much? Going around twenty odd roundabouts on a ten minute trip is enough to make me regurgitate not only my stomach, but also atrociously inaccurate facts made up by The Sun.

7. We always lose

(I feel your pain)

Everything we do, we always seem to lose. Can we not be the best at anything? We can’t produce a single good Tennis player, yet Lawn Bowl’s stallions are plenty in abundance. We can’t produce a winning Football team, yet we dominate at sports that no one cares about, like rowing.

6. We drink far too much

(An all too common site on the street’s of “Booze Britain”)

It’s not so much that we drink more than our European neighbours’; it’s more the fact that we lack complete sophistication in doing so. Going into a pub, downing your favourite ale, then acting like a chimpanzee at a coronation ceremony does no justice to the image of our drinking culture. At least teenagers in other countries drink classier beverages like wines or spirits, there’s nothing more distressing than seeing a pissed up teen with an Alco-Pop.

5. Our roadwork’s are done in the day

Any transport department of any government with even half a brain knows that to do road works at the busiest time of day is tantamount to sending car drivers to an early grave. America does them at night, yet we think they’re stupid?

4. Our national lottery winners are always selfish

(Having a whale of a time!)

When was the last time you heard a story about them giving their winning’s away to a good cause? No. Instead they buy mansion’s, piss of their upstanding neighbour’s, wreck their land by churning it up with go-kart tracks, buy loads of booze, fags and drugs and jolly well enjoy the rest of their lives.

3. We don’t have a patron saint

(Come off it Georgie boy, we know you didn’t really slay any dragon)

St. George was an Anatolian or something. Anyway, he wasn’t from England and let’s face it he clearly didn’t slay a dragon. The only slaying he probably did was of a few English rose’s who he promptly boasted to about being a saint. Why must we be lumbered with this foreign liar for a national symbol?

2. The unknown warrior will forever remain unknown

(There’s just no justice in the world)

The Great War hero of WWI buried in Westminster Abbey is never going to get the credit he deserves until he’s given a name. Now, thanks to his anonymity even David Beckham beats him in a list of ‘100 Greatest Britons’: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/100_Greatest_Britons

1. The NHS is still rubbish

(Instills you with confidence doesn’t it?)

Contrary to Michael Moore’s “Sicko” trying to paint a pretty little picture of our national health service, it’s still really crap. You’re waiting for ages even if you have been skewered by a fork in the right testicle. You can also have a nice little superbug to go with it.

Christmas shopping is so depressing. What am I supposed to get? How do I part my way through the constant barrage of ugly human traffic? How do I prevent buggies and young children trampling all over my feet? How do I remedy the hatred for Christmas in my soul? I’m just not sure.

Christmas is an ugly commercial monster which only grants most of us two days off work, but still it assaults us with months of abuse via irritating television adverts, immoral marketing ploys and dancing polar bears. The most irritating thing about Christmas in England is that it is all about snow, presents and parties and nothing about religion. Not that I care that much. Jesus and his poxy birth date overshadows my own in falling five days afterward, rendering it impossible to arrange any form of celebration for my aging carcass. The irritating messiah stole my thunder two thousand years previously. Also, the fact that I had to wait twelve months of the year before I got any kind of present or money as a kid, further nurtured my Christmas humbug sentiment.

In fact my hatred is coming along nicely with those extreme liberals who suppose that we should ban any type of religious celebration in order not to offend the highly diversified British population. However, what I’ve come to understand is that Christmas and the reference to it as ‘religious’ are no longer mutually inclusive. Christmas spirit is dead; the high street has created a faux Christmas hell bent on decimating our own pain thresholds. God speed the New Year.

- Why tuning into Sky Sports News terrifies the living daylights out of me with its constant assertion of playing the doom laden soundtrack to Requiem for a Dream. All I want to do is to simply find out the identity of the most recent Man Utd player being done for rape or to check out Brian Barwick’s pathetic jowl laden face…
- Why I can’t penetrate into the psyche of the ever elusive Moira Stewart. Seriously, when she reads the news I can no longer listen, only to become mesmerized by her Demon Headmaster gaze which is urging me to carry out sexually despicable acts on Huw Edwards…
- Why programs like ‘Can Fat Teens Hunt?’ continue to exist. Watching obese, mammary gland wielding male teenagers bawl their eyes out in denial of junk food is tantamount to presenting Vietcong torture methods live on TV. Can we not continue to live plentiful lives without having to question whether they can hunt or not?
- Why more people don’t listen to Charlie Brooker in his show Screen Wipe. The man’s a genius. Everything that comes out of his fire breathing cakehole is nothing short of the absolute truth. Read Dawn of the Dumb, a collection of his Screen Burn commentaries about the pathetic state of English TV of which includes an article doling out Brooker’s end of year TV awards: “The award for the show Most Impervious to Criticism goes to Jamie’s School Dinners in which Sir Flappy-Tonged Bumface himself saved the lives of millions of children – or so it seemed, given the orgy of self-fellating middle-class rapture that followed.” Spot on…
- Why people watch TV soaps. They must be the most deadening, suicide inspiring things on TV where you see blocks of wood stealing each other’s partners, killing each other and consequentially defecating over each other’s corpses. Truly repugnant….
- Why they insist on bringing back Big Brother and I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. Everything that could possibly be done on these shows has been done, no one watches them anymore. The only thing that would work is if they combined both shows in some sort of cannibalistic, wood cabin nightmare deep in the Australian rainforest, where racism is let loose and the show ends my feeding Ant and Dec to the hungry contestants…

I’m constantly amazed at the intricacies of our language. Its flexibility and evolution continues to strike me dumb. For example, as soon as a new technology or career emerges, there comes after it a whole new realm of words in which to confound us. Take for example journalism. Not a particularly new career, but it still spawned a whole new load of jargon in which to make people sound a bit more intelligent.

House Style – Could be taken to be the style of the interior of your house, or maybe whether it is terraced, detached, a cardboard box or whatnot. In journalism, it is a sheet for staff and freelance writers with information about which words or spellings the publication prefers.

Consequentially, this publication, my blog space, has no particular house style. There are no preferences. However, my blog is an example of the how words are created by new pastimes, new technologies. Blog itself means web log. Have you ever seen a reference to this in a Dickens novel? English seems a particularly accommodating language, ready to accept new words into its fold. Just look at what the dictionary has included in recent years. “Doh”, “dogging”, “duh brain”. It’s interesting to think how the pace of change will continue; in the next fifty years will the term blog exist? Whatever happens there must always be someone who is in command of some word or term that makes us alien, and therefore reduce us to a shambolic outdated wreck.

British comedian, Dave Allen speaks about the vaguer parts of the language. Especially good when considering the use of pleasantries for threatening someone.

Ever had the certain misfortune of living down a Butt Lane? I used to. “How’s the butt?” they would ask, “is your butt for sale?” others would quip. Oh how these people would joke with the pretence of comedic skill. “Get lost” I’d say, offering the greatest of all the comebacks in my arsenal.

Please shed a tear because for many people in England embarrassment about ones address is a prevalent emotion. Loonies Court suggests all the residents to be strait jacketed nut jobs whilst Bell End, well, it’s just not very tasteful is it? Street names are a familiar adage for England; they certainly make maps more of an interesting read than their American (34th Street etc) counterparts. But for those unfortunates that happen to live in streets like: Bummers Hill, Knob Lane or Fanny Street, street names are simply not a joke.

Take for example that common Middle Ages street name: Gropec#nt Lane. Not particularly elegant but nonetheless popular. Indeed this name has been sported in many cities throughout the ages including: Bristol, London, York and Newcastle. In fact there is still a Grope Lane that exists today in Shrewsbury. As times changed (and morals too) we saw the decline of the number of Gropec#nt Lane’s in our fair land. However, supposedly creative town planners couldn’t be arsed to stray too far from the name, some simply shifted it to Fondle Street or Poke Skirt Lane. Imagine living on these streets!

 The author with a particularly amusingly named sign.

Southerners often scoff at the north; “It’s grimy, it’s bleak, it’s stupid”, some even go so far as to warn tourists that a trip there is pointless: “Oh you needn’t bother going past Birmingham, nothing else to see from there onwards”. Some think themselves better than their northern neighbours: “don’t you know all Scousers are vagrants and criminals?” So what’s so special about southerners eh? What makes them think there so much better? The answer is obviously unclear.

The name “United Kingdom” is bitterly ironic; how are we “united” when the north and south of England are divided, Wales and Scotland want independence and Ireland wants its northern part back? The problems may well stem from the second industrial revolution. By sheer chance, natural resources were more abundant in the north. Local supplies of coal, iron, lead, copper, tin and limestone resulted in excellent conditions for the development and expansion of industry. But the south raped the north of all its riches. Whilst northerners grafted on and risked their lives in dangerous mines, the fat cats of the south processed the materials and sold the outcomes.

One must read Orwell’s “Road to Wigan Pier” to understand the social discrepancies that exist between north and south. Despite being half a century old the book still remains prescient, the stereotypes it perpetuates and consequentially attempts to strike down, are still the same that the south holds towards the north today. Indeed, Orwell realizes these stereotypes are nurtured and developed when he states: “That was what we were taught–the lower classes smell”.

The north doesn’t smell, nor is it any bleaker than south. The north is home to good people, beautiful countryside and dominant football teams, it’s about time the south wised up.

- “I don’t think our football team has a realistic chance of winning the world cup….”
- “I’d quite like our government to join the Euro…”
- “I think the Duke of Edinburgh is an excellent human being….”
- “Tim Henman has won Wimbledon…”
- “The Daily Mail was very insightful today….”
- “The French are an excellent race of people….”
- “I don’t think there are enough speed camera’s on our roads….”
- “I would like it to rain a little bit more…”
- “I think Tony Blair did the right thing….”
- “Hello there neighbour, how are you?…”
- “Eastenders was so realistic tonight….”
- “The Queen’s dead….”
- “Spandau Ballet were an important band…”
- “Simon Cowell has done so much for the music industry….”
- “Put Danny Baker back on TV…”
- “Jade Goody is really intelligent….”
- “That Anthony Cotton show is the best thing on TV…”
- “I think we should release Ian Huntley…”
- “Maybe we should ditch the Union Jack and take up the Stars and Stripes…”
- “Yuri Geller can really bend spoons….”
- “Anne Widdecombe really is quite attractive…”
- “Hugh Grant is such a versatile actor…”
- “Our TV license is great value for money….”
- “Council Tax is so cheap these days….”
- “We have enough national holidays….”

This week: 3 “Great” British Bands That Annoyed Society

When it comes to music Britain has consistently provided the ‘cutting edge’. This has occurred largely in the rock field which has spawned many influential artists that have continued to impact deeply upon British culture. I just want to touch on a few of those bands who seemingly upset the society of their times.

1. Sex Pistols

Formed in London in 1975, the frontrunners of the British Punk movement caused a spine shattering impact on a country plunged largely into disarray by a failing Labour government. They burst onto the scene by attacking the sycophantic press, swearing on daytime television and loudly voicing their discontent. In reflection back on the antics of their day, it seems increasingly difficult to believe the extent to which they were able to upset the society of their era.

2. The Smiths

Spawned from the British indie scene of the 1980’s, The Smiths delivered an increasingly controversial front man who was willing to attack the hypocrisy of Thatcherite England whilst advocating independent virtues such as Vegetarianism. Often lyrically sardonic, Morrissey was much more clear cut in his interviews with the British media, once reflecting that: “One can have great concern for the people of Ethiopia, but it’s another thing to inflict daily torture on the people of England”, in his scathing attack on the proposal of Band Aid.

3. The Rolling Stones

Judged to have been too provocative with their long hair and flamboyant clothes, The Stones were seen as the bad boys of 60’s British Rock. Sordid tales of drugs, women and wild parties did little to revert this image in a world of social upheaval and revolution. Such demonizing could hardly have been helped by The Beatles cultivation of cleanness and youth, which many saw as the better role model for the children of the 60’s.